Swords & Crossbones: An Epic Pirate Story Review

Swords & Crossbones: An Epic Pirate Story made me cry myself to sleep. As a game, it serves as an unfortunate message of one of the most crushing aspects of life: you can try and try, but no matter how much you do, your game still won't come out any good.

This hurts for a number of reasons. It looked so promising from the screenshots, and even when playing the game, there are random flashes of brilliance that suggest that this game could have been so much more, which breaks my heart. As such, doing this review is a sad and regretful task, like taking Old Yeller outside, but it must be done.

The skeleton of the game are in the strategic battle sections, which are the most plodding, boring aspect of the game. It's similar to Final Fantasy Tactics, yet Final Fantasy Tactics was fun and appealing. The entertainment value is negated by the fact that no real strategy is involved: just walk over to your enemies and attack them until they die. And trust me, they will die, because the game is suffocating in its ease This is particularly grating as the battling makes up such a large part of the game, to the extent you'll find yourself absolutely dreading the idea that a battle might be around the next corner. Dull as dishwater and leaves an aftertaste just like it.

Yet, what hurts more is that the writing in the game looked like something potentially great. Swords & Crossbones has some cheerful, delightfully funny and offbeat dialogue that suggests this game would have been a cult hit with some more polish. For instance, in the very beginning, the player character and the woman you're escorting have a conversation about the word “swordy” and how the player character should say something more dashing and “swoony”. This is the silly charm that runs through the game, which, again, disappoints: this package could have been so much more if not let down in the one area that means the most.

The font choices, though, are absolutely disgusting. The game uses standard system fonts, which doesn't sell the idea of piracy or danger. It just says: “I started working for the design team yesterday and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.”. The uniform and sickening staunchness of these fonts clash with the cutesy, stylised graphics: and it might sound like nitpickery here, but all parts of a game inform the tone of it, even the font. Don't be lazy and say “fuck it, it'll do”. Every design choice for a game means something, adding (or in this case, subtracting) something valuable to the mix, and when you skimp on something like this, it takes the player out of the game.

For all the flaws in this game, the graphics themselves are pretty sweet. In that familiar 16-bit style that permeates Steam, Swords & Crossbones is remarkably fine-featured and handsome, looking notably detailed and lovely in spite of its pixelated style. The team also excelled themselves in terms of music design, too. If not for the wretched mode of battling that one must put up with, sitting in the world of Swords & Crossbones would have absolutely been a pleasurable experience. For starters, the main theme is one of the best of any indie game this past year: suitably swashbuckling and brilliantly buccaneering, if this game had been differently made, then this could have became anthemic. The rest of the jazzy OST follows suit, and the game is a genuine pleasure to listen to: if only there had been some continuity between that and the gameplay.

It looked good, it was funny, but it just disappointed in the place where it should have shined. What could have been if the development team just went another way? I try not to think of the prospect as it's just too difficult to ponder. A shame.