Stalin Vs. Martians Review

Very rarely do you come across a game that looks so bizarre, so strange and so fun that despite its eccentricity you expect you'll enjoy the game. Game trailers can do a lot to persuade you into purchasing a game, and Stalin vs. Martians will be no different. The only problem is when you come to play it, and realise just how much a waste of time, effort and money the whole experience is.

The game starts off warmly - a cheesy midi-style theme playing in the very basic menu. Most notably is the fact the menu touts the game as the ‘Game of the Year' edition which, considering it's the only edition, is a little strange. A brief look-over the options is simple enough (no resolution or graphics options here for those with PC powerhouses), but with a choice between ‘Orthodox' and ‘Revolutionary' keyboard styles, or even the choice of whether you like cats or not, you are set up to be humoured through the game - which, to a certain degree, is true.

The game is a basic real-time strategy game - basic being the operative word here. Each and every map is a guerrilla mission, beginning with a selection of tanks and infantry with which to complete the objectives. Each of the enemies you destroy has the possibility to drop a coin, which could provide gold or a bonus to speed, attack or health. With this you'll save money and purchase new units through a menu at the top of the screen, which spawns the selected unit at a red star at the start of the map.

Missions begin with a letter from Stalin himself (often injected with humour), describing where you will be and what you will be fighting. As is usually the case with RTS games, your initial access to units is limited, but each mission provides something new for you to use. You also get access to abilities such as ‘Soviet Anthem', ‘Anthrax' or ‘KGB' which are unlocked in later missions and cost money for you to use. It's a decent idea to provide buffs, debuffs or attacks in such a manner - meaning you will have to decide between more units or a special ability. However, it's never really explained what they do and, except for the obvious ones that cause damage, there seems to be little benefit to using them.

Presentation-wise, the game is appalling. The graphics are beyond old and still provide poor frame-rates at times. The sounds the attacking Martian's seems more like a child's impression of a laser gun than any kind of serious sound effect. The comments of your troops can be humorous and enjoyable to listen to, but the constant repetition just drags. As an example, your infantry units (the ones who will die the most) will keep repeating ‘I am dying' as if it's assigned to a button that has become stuck. It quickly becomes tiresome.

The soundtrack to the game initially seems entertaining, with catchy tunes that - whilst possibly not as suitable to an RTS game - can get your head bouncing. However, when these songs are changed every thirty seconds (I could only assume it was dependant on the type of enemy unit you're attacking) the music seems like a short mix tape rather than a fully fledged soundtrack. This also quickly highlights the limited soundtrack, and couple in the fact that the missions are sparsely filled with ‘intermissions' which play bizarre videos to a select few of the songs from the soundtrack. These last considerably longer than you'll ever hear them in-game and becomes boring, adding nothing to the game.

As already mentioned, this is a basic RTS game. So basic, in fact, that there is really only one tactic required to complete the game. Select all your units, attack. In most situations you won't even be required to buy more units since it's entirely possible to either complete the level with your initial troops or, after completing an objective, be provided with a new or powerful unit that will more than easily obliterate the remaining objectives. To be fair, there are two missions that (initially) provide a bit of a challenge - but when this challenge is only provided because you're suddenly required not to send your forces rushing forwards as usual, the hope is a little short-lived. In other words, this game will provide little contest to most.

That's not the only thing that is short-lived. The entire game will probably come in at around four to five hours at a maximum. Each mission lasts around twenty minutes at best, with only a limited number of missions available. The maps are small and don't take long to explore and the objectives are never far from where you begin - which is good, since it means you won't have to have the missions drag on for much longer than they do.

The game's AI also leaves something to be desired. Preset locations to enemies' means that in the very unlikely instance that you may be challenged by a situation, remembering that enemy and sending your tanks over to attack quickly will easily solve the problem. Quite often the enemy won't even bother to attack whilst your army of tanks pelt them with shells. Even when you're expected to defend a certain area from the attacking hordes, you'll find yourself hunting the enemy down yourself since they seem to forget to bother attacking at all.

That said, your units are just as bad as the enemy. They'll randomly decide which way is fastest and take the opposite route, veering in and out of unnecessary routes when taking the road would have been fine. They'll just as often not shoot at the enemy regardless of how close they are, and given the fact that it's not always easy to target an enemy (you'll find yourself hovering over a number of enemies waiting for the cursor to change purple), this can make the combat a rather tedious affair. This is then added to the fact that if you purchase too many units without moving them, they'll all become trapped in the red star and take ten minutes to sort themselves out. Needless to say, the AI is abysmal, especially in this age when we're used to so much better.

All in all, this is a hard game to recommend. It functions well enough, so in that sense you could complete it without few problems - but that shouldn't be something to praise. There is humour here and there, and the music is catchy - even somewhat enjoyable - but it's not enough. Whilst playing the game it's hard to tell if it was purposely made horrible, as if it's all an elaborate joke that someone is having at your expense. If it wasn't actually for sale, I'd probably believe this to be the case. Nonetheless, if you've already played a real-time strategy game, regardless of what that game was, it's already better than this.