Fist Of Jesus Review

There are some questions that you can’t believe no one else asked. What make of bikes would the four horsemen ride these days? (My vote is for Triumph, Death strikes me as a speed triple kind of guy). Which idiot told Sacha Baron Cohen he was funny? And did Jesus get the whole “rise up and walk” thing right first time?

Let’s face it, we’re not talking about making a soufflé here and I can’t get that bloody right after more than a decade. Raising the dead with no practice runs? I don’t care if you are the son of a deity, you’re not getting that one done without at least one stuff up.

The premise of Fist of Jesus is pretty simple. Jesus and his mate Judas are having a nice day in Nazareth when they hear a local by the name of Lazarus has pegged it. So far, so Old Testament. When old JC goes to raise said carcass he gets it a little wrong.

Lazarus, unlike in the good book, doesn't make it all the way back and decides that his family and the other bystanders look tasty in a re:your brains kind of way. It all comes from a short film which features Jesus dropping one liners like Arnie Schwarzenegger, zombie cowboys, fish used as throwing knives and general Nazarene asskickery.

The game is a nice simple side scrolling beat em up with weapons ranging from fish, to sticks, to chains. Eventually you learn some finishing moves triggerable when the zombie is swaying on their feet after a particularly vicious pummelling, straight out of Mortal Kombat. My personal favourite is “Jigsaw” in which you dismember your foe… with a sawfish, although the first one you learn is fun too. Ripping out a zombie heart while a deliciously overblown echoing voice shouts “DIVINE RETRIBUTION” is the stuff of legend.

As you travel along dispatching the undead and earning denarii to purchase weapons and abilities with, you will encounter reliquae which you pick up, that in combination gain you buffs like harder punching, double XP gains, the usual fare. You can either luck out and find them in the game (Judas’ E.T. Cartridge is the end object of the tutorial level teaching you about Jesus summoning healing bread for example), or you can blow a chunk of cash on purchasing them.

All in all, Fist of Jesus is a fun little game. The insane grin it engenders makes my face ache and I love it for that.