Which Baldur’s Gate 3 Companions I’d Actually Date

In honour of Valentine’s Day, I, like any other player obsessed with Baldur's Gate 3, imagined who would be my ideal partner. I won’t include my choices in the game, because, for obvious reasons, I am a very different person when I take on the role of my Tav. (For example, if I were Tav, I’d probably be crying about the tadpole in my head). With that in mind, let me commence the debate.

Naturally, there will be spoilers ahead, so if you don’t want to be spoiled, please turn back now.

Astarion

Despite Astarion being my favourite vampire spawn, I’m well aware that a relationship between us wouldn’t work because he would disapprove of all of my choices. Plus, I’m asexual and oblivious as hell, so he would try to seduce me, and I’d be there like “Haha, oh, that’s so silly,” and go have wine with Shadowheart. He would not know how to read me, his plan would fail, and all I could promise was some kind of friendship.

Because of this, unless I manage to successfully persuade Astarion to see a licenced therapist (Is Volo a therapist?), he will most likely ascend unless I successfully utilise the power of friendship. If he ascends, then I’ll have to get a restraining order. Sorry, Astarion. I’m afraid we’re not meant to be.

Lae'zel

I am not known for my combat abilities, and just because I did taekwondo as a child doesn’t mean I have any prowess in battle. Lae’zel would be so unimpressed with me from the beginning because I don’t handle conflict well. She would look at me and think, “No, this Ghaik is pathetic.”

Even if, for some reason, Lae’zel would be impressed with me (I don’t know why she would be; I have the athletic ability of a baby giraffe), she would want to taste my flesh, and I have no interest in the pleasures of the flesh. So, I think we’d just have a lot of awkward moments in camp. Sorry, Lae’zel. You would absolutely not be impressed by me, but you might enjoy roasting me about my lack of combat as I complain about all the other Gith hunting us all.

Wyll

You know, I actually appreciate how nice Wyll is. You know he’s made some daft decisions, like accepting a pact with Mizora, but he’s just such a lovely guy. But I think I’d want to be friends with Wyll more than anything. When he disappears from the party, I’d no doubt go looking for him, just because why is he hiding from the Tieflings? Personally, I’d not care for the dancing, but I think that I would just want to cheer him up.

Honestly, I just think that I would place Wyll firmly in the friend camp. He seems like he’d have my back, and a lot of the time, that’s more important than anything. Would I go for a few dates with him as friends? Absolutely. But I think Wyll has a lot to deal with, and I just think that he should deal with that first. Also, I think I’d give him terrible advice that would accidentally screw him over somehow because I probably would complain about his Dad, and so something might happen that might screw up any chances there anyway.

Halsin

Now, let me preface this with a comment that Halsin is an absolutely lovely druid. He’s a very nice guy, but also, he knows a lot more than I do. Also, he likes nature, and I am fond of the indoors, and have a pretty bad case of entomophobia. Sure, I like nature, but I don’t think we’d see common ground. Like, you know when you tell someone you like the outdoors, but you’re just trying to sound more exciting? That’s me. I like reading, sitting indoors, and playing my games, and if there is so much as a butterfly near me, I may just run.

Also, Halsin’s pretty physical, and look, I may have done the poly route with him and Astarion in the game before realising that I needed to clearly drag Astarion to therapy before we got further, but it was mostly for the bear. Then I felt bad about playing with Halsin’s feelings, and I felt guilty about doing that in-game. So, Halsin, we’ll just be friends with very different interests.

Karlach

Oh Karlach, sweet Karlach. I know that Karlach craves the urge to touch someone, and honestly, that’s fair. But you know something, I absolutely 100% would date Karlach. I’m not gonna lie; I appreciate how forward Karlach is, and she would throw down with someone who doesn’t respect my boundaries. However, there is only one fear that I have: that something would happen to her.

Also, if I throw water on her, we’d be able to cuddle, and I get cold easily. So Karlach seems great, and even if we didn’t work out as a couple? Oh damn, Karlach would still be prime best friend material. So yes, I absolutely would date Karlach in reality because she’s cool and great, and her morals and temperament? Actually very similar to mine. Karlach would bring me out of my comfort zone and take me on an adventure, and I’d be here for that. (And then be heartbroken if anything happened to her).

Shadowheart

You know, I get along well with Shadowheart. In-game, she was the easiest of my companions to talk to at first, and she didn’t come on to me in a weird way. Shadowheart knows a surprisingly good deal about respecting boundaries, and you know, I think that I could have some interesting conversations with her about Shar and Selune. Although, I am also pretty agnostic, so I think that would just go well anyway.

The downside is that I get along so well with Shadowheart, and she absolutely would probably just offer me wine if I never hit on her. We’d just naturally progress to friends, and I stand by Shadowheart being my absolute bestie. I’d imagine like ten years down the line, though, she would say she’d had a crush on me, and then I’d go, “Wait, what?”

Gale

Hypothetically, Gale and I would be perfect for one another. We both like books and cats, and Gale is, admittedly, a very good cook, and I am more functional than anything. So, you would think that we’d be perfect. However, I think that I would have some kind of impostor complex about the fact that he used to date a literal goddess. Oh, also the Netherese Orb, I guess.

Also, okay, so here’s a weird fact: I don’t get along too well with people who are too similar to me. Unfortunately, Gale is too similar to me. He’d say, “I want to show you magic.” I’d say, “Cool, lemme see,” and then I would think that we were moving way too fast and why on earth he assumed we were dating.

As an aside, if Gale were to become a God, I’d probably do the same as I would to Ascended Astarion: Immediate restraining order.

Minthara

I respect those who would romance Minthara, but I don’t think I’d vibe with the whole “I want to murder the Grove schtick.” I can’t imagine a scenario where we’d get along, and she would say one mean word to me the first time we’d meet, and I would cry. So, Minthara is a resounding no.

And considering Jaheira and Minsc aren’t romanceable? I would probably just sit there and accept Jaheira being super sarcastic to me and her just adopting me. Likewise, I just want to hang around with Minsc.

BONUS: The Emperor

Look, I’ve seen enough anime to be curious about the tentacles, but I think I wouldn’t be able to get past them. Plus, I don’t think I vibe with the whole “I’m going to manipulate you by looking at how you behave” because I would fall for that. I’m incredibly gullible. So, I’d probably be tricked into dating The Emperor, and then I would just need to break up with him.

So, as you can see, none of my relationships are likely to succeed. Could I be friends with most of these characters? Yes. Could I date them? Sorry, it’s only really Karlach on the table. I would be too oblivious to the others, and they would likely stare at me in 10 years, whispering, “How did you not know?” or just looking at me disdainfully. So, Happy Valentine’s Day!