What Your F-Zero 99 Machine Says About You

I tell ya, it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there on the mean streets of Mute City. Even worse, on the hulking racetrack that floats with a deceiving serenity above. The betrayals and backstabbings on those sun-kissed chicanes make even the inky urban alleyways below look like kids’ playgrounds.  

We’ve all seen things we’d rather forget up there. Unhinged Wild Goose pilots nudge — physically bump! — innocent racers, unprovoked. Front-running Foxes swerve entirely around red bumpers, selfishly leaving the ticking time bombs fully intact for the unwitting competitors behind. Such unspeakable callousness! And many of us struggle to block out the haunting memories of Stingrays gleefully lurching in front of a neighbouring machine right off the starting blocks, deliberately — oh yes, quite deliberately — causing, at best, a minor inconvenience, and at worst, a mild inconvenience, for their fellow human. Disturbing, deplorable, demonic acts. 

People really show their true colours amidst the chaos of an F-Zero 99 race. Even your very first decision, well before gliding up to the starting line, reveals deep insight. Each of the four playable machines sport very different looks and equally distinct mechanical stats. From the boost-happy Golden Fox fragility to the dependable robustness of the Goose, all racing styles — and, more importantly, personality types — are catered for. And that’s what we’ll dissect today: exactly what your main F-Zero 99 machine says about you, according to science*. Prepare to feel exposed.

* Y’know, the non-sciencey kind of science.

Blue Falcon

Bland Falc— sorry, Blue Falcons like to play it safe in life. Low risk, low reward is their MO. They’re dependable, punctual, and find it easy to bland— sorry, blend into any social circle. 

They’re destined for middle management and a golfing handicap of 12, and that’s just dandy. In life, as in F-Zero, crashing out is the worst-case scenario, and they won’t be caught making that mistake. Sure, they’ll never win a Nobel Prize or compose a stunning concerto, but they might earn an “Employee of the Month” certificate at some point, and that has to count for something.

For romantic entanglements, they should typically look to Golden Foxes, who can bring a spark of spontaneity to the Falcon’s meticulously bland— sorry, meticulously planned routine.

Favourite colour: Bland

Fire Stingray

Stingrays are the dreamers, usually creative with ambitions to change the world but easily thrown into a tailspin by the brutality of the everyday. “Started from the bottom, now we’re… still pretty much at the bottom”.

Many famous actors and musicians are Stingrays, their exceptional success a culmination of practice, raw talent, and, crucially, loads of luck. Then there are those that didn’t get so fortunate. A bump in the road or one from a rival set them so far back they could never recover. A parent’s basement is the only place for them, where they work on their “new sound that will change the music industry” or write satirical videogame articles…

Stingrays often end up in flings with those dynamic Golden Foxes that inevitably crash and burn. They’re better served pursuing a nice, sensible Blue Falcon who will keep them blanded— sorry, grounded when their dreams get too big.

Favourite colour: Yes

Wild Goose

Everyone has that one friend who goes to the gym a lot and talks about going to the gym even more. That’s the Wild Goose. Some would describe them as a “chad”; others would call them a pain in the arse. Always up in your grill, overly physical, and annoyingly successful.

If the Goose isn’t running a fitness centre, or supervising a fitness centre, or cleaning a fitness centre, they’re filling in an application to run, supervise, or clean a fitness centre. Whilst the Geese are typically charismatic, physical specimens, they’re very often masking deep insecurities, questioning whether they would get anywhere in life on their own merits.

There’s no use discussing romantic compatibility with a Goose; they’ll go for anything.

Favourite colour: Creatine

Golden Fox

Golden Foxes are the impossibly productive, spontaneous go-getters that never, ever stop. The CEOs who turn a fire drill into an outdoor, site-wide meeting; the college friend who went drinking every night of the week and still handed in their assignment early. Other types find them exhausting, to put it politely.

Foxes can be extremely competitive, determined to win at everything and always be in the lead. This drive to succeed comes at a cost, though. For one thing, they’re statistically the most likely personality type to get punched. But more importantly, their relationships often become neglected and fall apart, leaving many with just their anime body pillow for company.

Golden Foxes should stick to other Golden Foxes for companionship; nobody else will put up with them. 

Favourite colour: Gold

Lucky Bumper

Some people just want to watch the world crash out. It might be hard to believe that anybody’s favourite machine would be the Bumper, but you probably know one without realising it. Estimates put the incidence to be around 1 in every 100 people. You may notice that psychopaths are thought to exist in almost identical numbers. This is no coincidence.

Favourite colour: Burnt Flesh