Three Videogames That Have Ended Marriages

Right, that’s enough! Valentine’s Day is done for another year, the florists and the card shop owners are off to their luxury Mediterranean islands for a well-earned break where they will drink margaritas whilst mopping beaded brows with crisp new twenty pound notes.

And for the rest of us? Well, it’s time to stare into the unforgiving face of harsh reality and accept the glaring, uncompromising truth that romance is but a fleeting visitor, whereas pissing off your other half for playing too many videogames is a lifelong pursuit. If of course, said relationship lasts beyond the end credits of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. Which is unlikely at best.

Let’s face it, the odds against a long happy marriage for the typical videogame nut are stacked high. Unless you can get your other half equally engrossed in the obsession of course, but that’s a tale for another time. For most, there are just so many potential pitfalls along the way, including - would you believe - the possibility that you play far too much Pitfall, along with various other games. Then before you can say “Sega” (in a cool retro Sonic loading screen kind of way) that same better half who a short time ago was dancing in a rain of rose petals will be packing the bags and hitting the road faster than you can say Forza Horizon!

And as the door slams shut, and despite a little voice whispering in the back of your mind, “Ooooh, more time to play Forza Horizon now they’ve gone!” the harsh truth is that sometimes make believe playgrounds impact heavily on real-life matters. It was never like this in The Sims.

Therefore, in the spirit of bringing all those floaty love hearts back down to earth, popping a few teddy bear filled balloons and spilling a tanker full of Prosecco on the new carpet, here are three games that have actually ended marriages.

Roses are red,
Marriage can be fraught,
But if you respawn again,
I’ll see you in court!

3. Football Manager

How could I not start with a game so full of myth and legend when it comes to its avid, devoted legion of players? There are so many beautifully messed up stories regarding the world’s favourite football management simulator that I could almost certainly devote an entire article to them.

We have the player who donned his best suit ready for the match after taking his club to the FA Cup final, we have the chap who received a two-game touchline ban and proceeded to stand outside the room where his computer was once the game had kicked off, and we have the gent who terrified his pregnant wife after telling her in distraught tones that he had lost his job, only then to console her slightly by letting her know he meant his FM job as Liverpool manager! This is a game rife with magic, and mild lunacy (Rarely a night goes by that I don’t nod off by interviewing myself about the ups and downs of my current FM game).

However, sometimes things get a little more serious. This innocent little life stealer has been cited in around 35 divorce cases!

But perhaps that is not so surprising to those of us who have fallen for the charms of this game. Football Manager offers a world of living room managers the chance to live their dreams. It promises glory for the tactical wizard, a chance to place our little hometown club under the bright lights of the Premier League and upon the big stages of Europe. And, if the cost of such digital glory, such positive pre-sleep fictional interviews and history making, is a trip to the divorce courts, well…yeah, we should probably put the game down for a while.
But only a little while!

2. Fortnite

A newcomer to the courts of law and divorce proceedings is the global phenomenon that is Fortnite. I honestly didn’t realise that most Fortnite players were even old enough to get married, let alone divorced!

Yet statistics highlight that this relative newcomer is already popping break-up headshots across the land, and these can’t be built back up in the blink of an eye. The draw of Fortnite is obvious to see. This is one seriously slick game. It looks great, and, it offers a serious challenge to those entering the arena, plus it can be ridiculously addictive which is an obvious vein that runs through the trio of games in this article.

Fortnite is already spawning its own stories from the battlefield, where the remnants of once burgeoning relationships lie tattered on the ground. We have the player who ditched a big Valentine’s dinner date to play Fortnite with his friends, there have also been non-gaming partners learning the Fortnite lingo purely to have something to talk about with their other half, and the re-emergence of gaming addiction as a genuine discussion point has coincided with the rise of this Battle Royale goliath.

In terms of divorce however, it’s not all bad. I mean if your other half kicks you out at least you are suitably equipped to chop down a few nearby trees and build a towering wooden structure to call home sweet home in no time at all. Oh, and to be honest, you really should be playing Apex Legends by now anyway as it’s a considerably superior game (*battens down all the hatches and adopts foetal position under the bed whilst bracing for impact*).

1. World of Warcraft

I suppose if any game deserves a place among those destined to take a blowtorch to the marriage certificate it is that age-old devourer of hours and relationship reaper, the magnificent, yet infamous, World of Warcraft.

I have to admit to having never actually played the game, possibly in part because I fear becoming one of the obsessed. It seems like the sort of game I could become seriously, and blissfully, lost in. I mean, here we have a game that offers players a whole universe of possibility, where heroes are born, adventure is rife, and real-world relationships crumble. And those first two charms are deeply attractive.

I can clearly see the draw in terms of escapism amid a deep, lore-filled fantasy backdrop. However, the cost of entry, particularly for myself who may well be prone to forget about the notion of time and reality once inside, seems to be a tad steep. Largely because I do love being married.

There are tales aplenty throughout the tangled web of the internet concerning WoW, divorce and desolation. Epic stories of players spending week after week and month after month exploring a vast open world from within the same four walls of reality, where the basic requirements of life such as food, sleep and hygiene are foregone for hour upon hour of social adventuring. Legends rise on screen as relationships topple in the background.

There are actual help groups for those seeking to escape the insurmountable pull of such adventure, and of course, a trail of broken marriages litter the well-travelled route walked by the addicted. World of Warcraft has a place in this list as quite possibly the most social, antisocial game ever created. Although it undoubtedly has competition in that department. Yet it also has joy, and it has magic in abundance and potential lifelong friendships, but it is the hidden darkness when overindulgence in its many delights takes hold that harbours the problems. I suppose as any good adventurer knows all too well, tread carefully because just maybe, here be dragons.

This is likely a reality that most of us will never encounter, and let’s face it, there are loads of other reasons to get divorced, such as Game of Thrones (“What do you mean you can sympathise with Cersei Lannister?!”) And the additional truth is that there is genuine joy to be found in the art of shared play. So, if things begin to get a little tense in the relationship department, hang fire on the marriage counsellor because your first stop should be the local supermarket for a second controller. Oh, and, if polygamy happens to be your thing, well shit, we have eight-player split screen these days!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Shared gaming is magic,
Ready player two.