The Weirdest Game Weapons

Weapons. Pistols, machine guns, shotguns, grenades, swords, bows, spears. You know the drill. Most games are packed with armaments that you’ve seen hundreds of times before. It’s the old formula of point and click on an enemy and sooner or later they’re dead. But what happens when a game decides to mix things up and arm you with something out of the ordinary...

Arguably the best and most bizarre weapon of the year so far is Mr. Toots. This little scamp helped to light up Red Faction: Armageddon, appearing after you unlocked the game or stumbled across him in his hidden magical grotto. We can only speculate what combination of illicit substances the development team were experimenting with to come up with this abomination. Yet, it’s a combination that clearly produced almost god-like levels of genius. Surely no one can fail to be amused by a rainbow-farting unicorn that emits high-pitched, squeaky death.

The sight of Mr. Toots expressive eyes as he wriggles in protagonist Darius Mason’s arms is not only comical but oddly hypnotic. Then, as the little unicorn releases a potent stream of multicoloured, plasma-infused guff to an accompanying bum-trumpet the carnage truly begins. This deadly stream can disintegrate anything in its path whether it is an unfortunate alien, Martian cultist or even a concrete structure. For the sheer outrageous insanity of this creation, Mr. Toots undoubtedly deserves a mention in any discussion of unusual game weaponry. Did we mention that we really want one for the office?

Team Fortress 2 can claim a large number of “unusual” weapons in its expansive arsenal of well over 100 death-dealers. We could have easily highlighted the Holy Mackerel baseball bat replacement or the radiation infused Mad Milk for the Scout as being particularly odd. We could even have talked about the Medic’s Solemn Vow, a bust of Hippocrates that is used as a bludgeoning device. But we’re not (um, aside from mentioning them just now). Instead, we’ll take a look at the infamous Sniper weapon: Jarate.

When it was first hinted at, no one took it seriously. How could a martial art based on, well, bodily fluids, be a serious inclusion in a massively popular online shooter? But Valve went there and decided to include this unique urine-based unlockable in the game and, incredibly, it worked. Not only did this weapon have a great new impact on gameplay, but it was balanced and a great counter to the Spy class.

The other benefit was that the weapon was so ludicrous that it had the added benefit of making you feel a little bit dirty when your screen was splashed with it. It was so, so wrong. Yet, you couldn’t escape the sneaking sense of satisfaction when you planted a bottle of the yellowy-good-stuff right on top of a cloaked spy. However, this raises the worrying question: what happens when some unbalanced nutcase decides to emulate a video game and go charging into a packed street wielding a full glass jar? We can only wait and pray that those easily influenced psychopaths stick to recreating much safer games like Grand Theft Auto IV. Whoa there, hold on a minute...

Another game series renowned for its insanity is the Dead Rising franchise. The recent sequel, Dead Rising 2 sported such oddball weapons as a flaming bull skull, the aptly named “Slicecycle” and a kayak paddle fitted with twin chainsaws. Despite these being excellent, weird weapons, the real star of the show is the “Blitzkrieg”. An electrified wheelchair outfitted with assault rifles would surely make any zombie outbreak far more enjoyable. Then to make the package even more incredible, it’s fitted with a faux Stephen Hawking style voice modulator. Riding around with your robot-voiced companion shouting “Take this you ugly son-of-a-bitch” while you blast some of the undead is truly priceless.

Creating the Blitzkrieg for the first time is a moment where you grab the nearest available person, irrespective of whether they like gaming. You proudly exclaim that they should check out your “killer death wheelchair” and are inevitably disappointed when they clearly don’t think it’s as amazing as you do. It’s at this stage that you promptly realise that you don’t need them if you have a motorised, assault rifle mounted disability aid. Dead Rising 2 also does a lot more with the Blitzkrieg in a wider social context. Finally we are living in an age where people are beginning to acknowledge that the handicapped would be an asset in a zombie apocalypse. This is surely the start of greater equality, not just in games but in undead battling scenarios the world over. Good on you Dead Rising 2 for representing a minority and giving them a (robotic) voice.

Ratchet & Clank has always been a series to embrace the weird and the wonderful. From its early roots there have always been some unusual and eclectic weapons. From the Sheepinator that reduced enemies into bleating caprines to the suck cannon, which vacuumed in small enemies to use as ammunition, there was always something to entertain. However, the crowning glory is undoubtedly the Groovitron Glove. This work of genius was quite possibly the greatest weapon of the series that proved to be an incredibly useful asset as well as a hilarious device.

Launching a Groovitron bomb, essentially a 1970s disco ball, into a group of enemies led to some pure comedy gold. The disco ball rose into the air, triggered a series of funky, multicoloured lights and a cheesy dance tune prompting any surrounding enemy to burst into spontaneous dance. Each alien had their own dance moves, so gathering a group of different types led to a small musical ensemble. Best of all though, as the disco began to fade away you could take the opportunity to launch as many missiles into the helpless foes and there was nothing that they could do to stop it. Well, nothing except dance the night away.

Of course we’re only scratching the surface here and there’s still a plethora of the downright bizarre weaponry available. The forthcoming Saints Row: The Thirds’ ominous sounding “Dildo Bat”, promises to build on ground started by Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Similarly, Dead Rising: Off the Record has a laser-eyed alien head and “Pegasus”, a hobby horse packed with fireworks to send zombies into the heavens. Thankfully, it seems that for every few dozen assault rifles there are at least a few interesting and amusing weapons out there to bring a smile to your face.