The Switch 2 Will Cure Death - Rumours

Sources close to absolutely nobody claim they heard in a seashell from their uncle’s father’s brother’s nephew’s former roommate, that Nintendo’s sequel to the Nintendo Switch will cure death. These claims come on the heels of years’ worth of rumours being flung around by every website in the world that the so-called Nintendo Switch 2 Big Boy Edition will be and do everything that you want it to.

Okay, so I’m just sick of seeing articles with every rumour under the Sun about this successor console from Nintendo. We’re this close to seeing someone tweet “Switch 2 vb /l89u” and having experts analyse how this means that it may have 89TB of VRAM, when it was just because a cat walked on a keyboard.

Sure, I have some bias against Nintendo, but even I’m interested to know how they will follow up one of the most successful consoles in history. Will they retain the hybrid handheld/TV style? Will it be capable of ray tracing? How about backwards compatibility? Will Rockstar once more re-release Grand Theft Auto V on it?

Well, until Nintendo announces something, nobody knows. At the start of the year, I tweeted sarcasm about the furore of tweets I had been seeing about the Switch 2’s rumoured release being in 2024, much like it had been “rumoured” every three months since 2019. Someone “well, actually”’d me that this “fact” was well known as it was apparently leaked by Microsoft during one of their court battles to buy Activision Blizzard. A month later, outlets were reporting that Nintendo was pushing the release back to 2025.

I can’t be the only person frustrated to scroll past 12 articles a week with headlines about the still unannounced next Nintendo console. It won’t even be called the Switch 2, or Switch U, because Nintendo wants you to say its name when you say the console name. DS, 64, Switch, these are all pretty generic terms unless you put “Nintendo” in front of them. At one point in the 1990s, adults just called every videogame “a Nintendo”, and the company has been chasing that ever since, so much so that I’m convinced that the next console will be called “The Nintendo”. Which everyone will almost immediately shorten to “The Ninty”.

So anyway, if people could calm down with rumours I would greatly appreciate it. We’ll learn all about The Super Nintendo Switch 2 Big Boy Edition all in due time, so who cares if someone’s dog dreamed that it can process entire trees into stacks of paper, coalesce jelly from the ether, and cure death? Because it doesn’t. Not until Nintendo announces that it does.