The Cult Of Goose

2019 has been a fantastic year for gaming: we have had the appearance of long-awaited sequels like Kingdom Hearts 3 and Shenmue 3; and amazing new titles like Death Stranding and The Outer Worlds; but the real star of this year was an infamous feathered nuisance.

House House’s debut, Untitled Goose Game, set gamers’ hearts alight earlier this year and since then the goose has gone from strength to strength to not only become one of the years most treasured characters but also an icon in its own right. Even before the September release, you could hear the subtle HONK of potential goose fans, excitedly murmuring their way around Twitter and Facebook. The hype became real when Untitled Goose Game appeared at number one on the Nintendo eShop charts for multiple weeks in a row, even defeating the latest Zelda game.

Goose mania had begun. There was no stopping the goose from entering our collective videogame lawns, stealing our house keys and dropping them in the lake. The goose stole the keys to your house and then it stole the keys to your heart, arrogantly honking as it did so. The goose knew you couldn’t stop it, the goose could do anything it wanted and you would still love it.

We are only three months post-goose and the goose has now permeated every aspect of society. It has overshadowed all but the very best games of the year, every YouTube star has a playthrough of Untitled Goose Game on their channel, there is an unrelated goose card in Magic the Gathering in which my friend shouts HONK at people whenever he plays it and now it has even joined the cast of The Muppets.

The Game Awards 2019’s most important moment was when Dr Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker arrived to discuss the latest in VR technology, only for the true star to be a muppet version of the goose, casually terrorising poor Beaker in VR and in real life. The goose, so adamant to be the star of the show even interrupted the award the good muppet doctor was presenting. This goose is a menace! However, the goose’s fame does not end at The Muppets. There are calls, cries from the fans, demands, there is one very important thing that the goose must do next. It must be the next character in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate.

“You jest!”, you proclaim. Alas, no I do not. This request is not even just from the die-hard goose fans, this is real life. Gaming’s biggest stars endorse #GooseForSmash, this is now a global emergency for which we need to address Masahiro Sakurai directly. There is even a mod for popular Super Smash Bros-alike, Rivals of Aether where you can now play as this goose and over 16,000 people have downloaded this mod. This must happen.

So what is next for the goose? Will our feathered friend fall foul to the cruel depths of time, a relic to be forgotten or will the goose surpass the idea of trend and be memorialised in memedom for many a moon to come? The goose has already expressed an interest in politics and in particular the Labour party, will the goose run for leadership? I think so. I think the only person who can hold our government to account in these trying times is a leader with confidence, who isn’t afraid to tell things like it is. I think Super Smash Bros is too small for the goose, we hadn’t considered the possibility for the goose to leave the gaming stratosphere altogether and develop a career elsewhere. This professional journalist will not rule out the goose yet and I think it would be a mistake for you to do so.

One final thought. Wherever the goose ends up in the future, ensure that you remember the times you spent together. Sometimes we need a break and especially in the wake of current events, whether you celebrate or bellyache, take the time to shake off the ills of society and look after yourself. Play Untitled Goose Game and smile. It’ll all get better someday.