Ranking Every John, Johnny, and Johnathan Keanu Reeves Has Played (Part One)

Every actor has their tropes: Sean Bean must die, Tom Cruise must run, and Owen Wilson must sneak in a “Wow!” or “Crazier than a road lizard” in as many films as possible. Recently, I’ve noticed that our breathtaking boy Keanu Reeves has inadvertently fallen into his own.

He’s already been pinned as being an immortal, from his resemblance to such noteworthy figures of history such as Charlemagne and Paul Mounet, to his great anti-aging genetics, there’s a lot of mystery and intrigue surrounding Reeves as it is.

For some reason or another, he has accrued various iterations of the name John, with the upcoming Cyberpunk 2077 game touting a total of up to eight portrayals spanning over 28-years. This got me asking… is there a definitive, ultimate “John” that Keanu has played?

In order to effectively quantify the assortment of Johnny’s, I’ve devised a (purely subjective) formula in order to calculate which, out of the seven Johns currently accessible as of writing, to figure which is the best Keanu John.

Two separate point systems based on Keanu’s Excellent Acting Notability Unit (or K.E.A.N.U’s) and the John’s Overall Humanity Number (aka J.O.H.N’s), then tally both scores for an aggregate final ranking: the Reeves Exceptional Energy Value and Expertise Sum

Disclosure: even though some of my personal favourite films and performances do not align with these rankings - all Keanu performances and John ratings are based upon the quality of acting and whether or not I could vibe with having a nice chit-chat with the character, and do not reflect on the calibre of the movies themselves.

7. Don John (Much Ado About Nothing, 1993)

Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more. John’s were deceivers ever. Even though Keanu’s screen time is short in this faithful Shakespearean adaptation, the overall film itself is worth a watch for the star-studded cast and overacting 16th-century literature alone!

Reeves plays the Prince of Aragon (Don Pedro’s) half brother, Don John: a jealous and malcontent figure, fixed with a permanent scowl about as sour as his bitter contempt into anything remotely joyful. Probably because of his lineage, that he carries the stigma of being born a bastard; and as such, is seen as an illegitimate to inherit his father's estate.

Still, blaming the world for being a twat still makes you one - and it’s a lesson Don John evidently hasn’t learnt, as for kicks, he jeopardises the dignities of his comrade Claudio and his lover Hero all because they are happy. John doesn’t even like Hero, he’s just an arse!

I doubt many people would want to hang with someone who’s always grumpy, to the point that they take pleasure in making other people’s lives a misery.

This is also about the time where Keanu as an actor was morphing into his action-star cool guy deep voice phase. Doesn’t quite work, but always as entertaining as ever; especially combined with his English accent and 1500s linguistics.

KEANUnit: 2
JOHNumber: 1
REEVESum: 3

6. Johnny Mnemonic (Johnny Mnemonic, 1995)

Probably the closest representation of a futuristic dystopian Johnny you’ll get until Cyberpunk 2077, this version of a Keanu/John is simultaneously the best and worst performance out of the selection.

Based on the short story by William Gibson (a huge inspiration for Mike Pondsmith, the creator behind the Cyberpunk pen and paper game), the story tails Johnny, a trafficker of information who couriers highly sensitive data via a cybernetic augmentation directly into his brain… he’s essentially a walking USB stick.

As a storage device, 80GB’s (doubled with a “compression unit”) of space is not a lot in our current timeline of 2021; the latest Call of Duty couldn’t fit into his head, with Cyberpunk 2077 barely scraping the limit!

As a character, Johnny is fairly ordinary, say for his unorthodox profession. He definitely falls under the archetype of the wise-cracking action hero, but often comes off as cold and a bit of a know-it-all. There’s an air of entitlement and snobbery when he has to venture to places below his paygrade - something that a sharp suit and even sharper haircut aptly illustrates.

And as an actor, Keanu operates at maximum hammy levels, breaching pure ham perfection. The try-hard, tough-guy wooden expressionlessness, paired with the equally as stiff performance, and immense character freakout makes for a stellar watch - the outburst in the scrapyard at the end being the pinnacle of which.

For cyber-optically corneal enhanced cyborgs, there’s a lot of references from Johnny Mnemonic in Cyberpunk 2077, just from the footage available pre-launch: from the Lazer Whip, to the 160GBs of brain storage, as well as the aforementioned William Gibson connection… I’m almost surprised CD Projekt Red didn’t delay the game further to January 17th 2021… on the other hand, it’s best we don’t give them any ideas…

KEANUnit: 1
JOHNumber: 2
REEVESum: 3

5. John Will (Generation Um..., 2012)

As the name of the movie implies, this is going to be a blanket statement over an entire generation of late Gen Xers and early millennials; and how, like, totally f’d up they are L-O-L. The plot is centered around the day in the life of everyman John Will, a man in his late 30s who chaperones two “party girls”

Who he is and what relation he has with the women becomes apparent towards the very end - so to save spoilers if you ever were curious and/or a sadist, i’ll spare you. Lets just say that the film aptly starts with a hangover, and it feels as such throughout the whole runtime.

What Generation Um… lacks in an engaging story or good writing, we do get a lovely insight in the kind of man John is. He doesn’t say much… or do much, but from what I can squeeze from this stone of a film is what he likes.

He like cupcake, he like cat, he like outdated technology, he like camera, he like squirrel, he like dog, he like water, he like sky, and he like documenting everything. Meanwhile, every other character likes drinking wine, doing coke, and talking about themselves. Good for John as before he acquired the camera, no-one really held genuine conversations with him, as he’s usually patronised in every scene sans camera.

He’s found a temporary happy medium where he can enjoy his simple pleasures whilst living his life with these boring people, all the while being a part of the conversation as an inside observer…
Which is the most relatable sad dad vibe I’ve seen.

If there ever was a movie that exemplified a self-insert mid-life crisis boomer energy, Generation Um… would be a great nomination for that title. But I have to remember that this isn’t a list to rate films per se, but of Keanu’s performance and character as a whole. That being said, I don’t think I’ve ever convulsed out of sheer boredom since I was a child.

Were you to consider doing a Keanathan Marathon (I'm well aware that “Johnu” isn’t a good portmanteau either), perhaps give this one a miss. Reeves barely acts, he exists in this film; so there isn’t anything noteworthy about his performance other than he’s an adorable human being. Even with the squirrel chasing, cupcake eating, camera stealing, jovial singing Keanu all printed onto film… it’s not worth it, that’s how much of a slog this movie was.

KEANUnit: 1
JOHNumber: 3
REEVESum: 4

(Part 2 coming soon...)