Life as an RPG

Following a violent blow to the head, young Barry Gygax became convinced his life was that of a role playing game. Every morning was the start of a new adventure… in his life as an RPG!

Right, character build for today: plenty of points into strength, always handy for carrying a ton of useless shit about. High health and dexterity, I do seem to get my head kicked in a fair bit every time I play. Unfortunately, that doesn’t leave much for the charisma and steal skills, oh well, they’re overrated in my opinion. I’ll just stick these cycling shorts of the demonfucker (+2 health, +2 dexterity, -5 charisma) into my inventory and I’m ready for another adventure.

Hang on! what am I thinking? leaving all these items in my home which I could sell/exchange/reassemble into something totally different . You would think I’d never played a RPG before! I’m not taking any chances here, I’m grabbing it all. Pictures, cutlery, vases, food, 25 energy drinks, every book I own, bucket, plunger, cat - my strength attribute’s high, I’ll have no problem carrying this lot about.

 

So I find I can’t drag a 100kg backpack out of the door, instead I decide just to take the cycling shorts, 5 chocolate bars and 5 energy drinks for health. Surely this light inventory will increase my movement speed. Adventure - here I come!

 After walking around my estate for a while (where the hell is fast travel at?) I come across a gang of youths. They’re all dressed in a similar uniform: socks rolled up the legs of their polyester trousers, hooded tops, strange calligraphic words emblazoned upon their necks (I notice the recurring name ‘Sharron’, is this their leader?) and wispy, ratish facial hair, perhaps they are apprentice wizards? Doubtlessly they will have some quests for me, I look forward to finding a certain item they require and fetching it for them.

I approach the leader, ‘Good morrow young Sir. Is there perchance a service I can perform for you and your clan?’

‘You fucking what? You a freak like?’

 Hmmm...I’m unfamiliar with this area’s colloquialisms, though I have a feeling he is enquiring if I am a member of his clan, they must be the aforementioned ‘freaks’. I shall check my response options:

1. Yes I’m a freak, just like you and all your friends. (lie - 15% chance of success)

2. No, but I want to be a freak. What initiation service must I provide in order to become one? (charisma - 10% chance of success)

3. Shut up you skip-turd. Now give me some helpful info or an item, else I shall brain thee. (threat - 5% chance of success)

 Jesus! I don’t like any of those odds. I must start putting more points into charisma. Guess I’ll just go with the one that has the highest chance of succeeding:

‘Yes I’m a freak, just like you and all your friends.’

 ‘YOU WHAT? YOU’RE FUCKING DEAD!’

 I’m not sure I like where this is heading, I’m probably going to need some help. Time to change into the cycling shorts of the demonfucker for some attribute boosts. I drop my trousers and…

When I come round I’ve got quite a bit of blood on me. I keep forgetting this is one of those RPGs where you can’t change armour once a battle starts! Duh! I am in a pretty bad state though. I’d estimate my health to be quite close to the bottom of the bar. Better knock back some replenishing supplies. I very quickly consume all 5 chocolate bars and 5 energy drinks. I’m then violently sick on myself and feel worse. Did those wizards put a spell on me?

I stagger towards the nearest merchant’s store. I need some health tonics and clothes; the post-battle state of my garments - plus the smell of blood and vomit - is causing my already low charisma to drop even further. I finally find somewhere, the sign reads ‘Boots’, a clothing store no less! fate is finally smiling upon me. As I approach the counter I notice the merchant recoil in horror, my charisma must be bottoming out by now. What are my options?

1. Hello good Sir, I’d like to buy some supplies (cost £5.00 - current funds £0.00)

2. Hello fine Sir, could you give me something to wear and some healing herbs for free (charisma - 0.5% chance of success)

3. LOOK OVER THERE! A SQUIRREL! (steal - 10% chance of success)

Seems I’m not getting any goods without a bit of the old steal skill here. There’s a low chance of success, but I can always reload my last save if he shoots my face off in retaliation.

 ‘LOOK OVER THERE! A SQUIRREL!’

‘Errrrmmm…’ he responds, looking confused and slightly frightened.

I grab an armful of aspirin and a pair adult incontinence pants, this place really should get a better range of clothing. Hmm… maybe I should have attempted exchanging my shorts for some goods. Too late now anyway, I’m sneakily making my way out of the front door when I’m accosted by what I assume is the store enforcer. That merchant must have noticed my pilfering, this is what I get for neglecting my steal skill!

‘Excuse me Sir, would you kindly accompany me to my office?’

Crap! If I attack him now I’m bound to get overwhelmed by other characters that appear from nowhere. Can I talk my way out of this?

1. Your office? Why, you going to give me a frisking? wink wink (charm - 0% chance of success)

2. Tell me, was it your inadequacies as a person that made you take this job, or were you just too stupid for the police? (Intimidate - 10% chance of success)

3. Could I possibly interest you in some nice cycling shorts? (bribe - 5% chance of success)

Ugh! I think I need to level up more. Hmmm… I’m unlikely to come out successful in a fight, but maybe I could initiate one and run away. It may not be honorable, but I could return once I’ve taken my aspirins and equipped my adult nappy.

‘Tell me, was it your inadequacies as a person that made you take this job, or were you just too stupid for the police?’

This enrages him greatly, I turn and run. Sadly, I find out my light inventory doesn’t equal faster movement speed. I barely make it through the door when I’m taken down by the enforcer and several other characters - seriously, where the hell do they always appear from? As I’m wrestled to the floor I feel my health bar disappearing, all my food and energy drinks are gone, and I’m in no position to take some aspirin while I’m getting pummelled. I start blacking out… again. As I lose consciousness I think about what I have learned during this playthrough: never neglect the charisma and steal skills, equip your best armour before a battle, and never mock store security.

GAME OVER