In Defense of King Mickey, Who Does This "Concerned Citizen" Think They Are?

In response to my co-worker's Who Does Mickey Think He Is article, wherein she basically sends hate mail to our good ruler, I'll be presenting my professional findings and research about the so-called "non-threat" our beloved King Mickey is "wasting his time on".

Although these “shadowy things” seem like they don't really pack a punch — particularly the most common ones, which you'll recognise instantaneously regardless of where you're from — their strengths lie in numbers. As the Shadow Heartless are the most frequent encounters you can find, I'd like to use them as a starting point. While these fellas look unimpressive and comical, they're most definitely not to be taken lightly!! Their long, wobbly little limbs work great for grabbing onto heroic ankles and tripping them mid-battle, of course, but their biggest asset is definitely their bright, creepy yellow eyes, which are rumoured to chill you to the bone. Truly, I’d love to see this so-called “concerned citizen” run into one of these ruffians!

Using the previous ones as a baseline, we can deduce that even the smallest of the bunch can be quite a force to be reckoned with, especially when in a large group (kind of like common zombies). Of course, what started off as a silly knee-tall menace has gradually evolved throughout the years to become some of the most ferocious and terrifying beasts we have ever laid eyes on. Much like a slow and natural evolution of predators, the shadows have toyed with different looks and strengths. In the first generation, you can see that the shadows tried many shapes and sizes; of course, as an amateur Heartless observer — and self-proclaimed expert — I've taken the liberty of naming some of them.

Aside from the scrawny common ones (which I had dubbed Toe-biters for their fascinating ability to melt into shadows), the first generation had Bite-size Mages, Lanky Knight Laddies, Shadow Monkis, and Thicc Bois, as some of the most common and threatening variations across worlds. Our ruler and beloved King Mickey and his allies took off to try to fight them off, but unfortunately, as nature would have it, they evolved to become even scarier, an urgent matter that this uncouth villain of a "citizen" would have our King leave unchecked!

Some of the first changes were the thickening of the limbs (including the head), such as in the case of the Kid Buu variation (also known as the "Neoshadow" in would-be amateur spheres). But the most interesting observation was the sudden increase in colours! Much like a snake, they began sporting bright tones, which you can find in the Jalapeño Lank ("Tornado Step") and the Death Petal ("Creeper Plant")!

The second-to-last note I made about their evolutionary stages to becoming nightmarish was their sudden and fascinating interest in looking like everyday items, such as cars, in the case of the Bumper Car ("Mad Ride") and the Rot Fart (“Possessor”) Heartless! This last stage eventually gave way to the end, which the common citizen — such as my co-worker — didn't see coming, but King Mickey and Sora's team have been keeping at bay. I introduce the Dark Pajama ("Lich"), the Baleful Blanket ("Phantom"), and the prime specimen of my research, Malus Gladius Boboboi ("Inferno"), otherwise known to me as the prime predator… for now.

This is my conclusion: you owe our king an apology. 

Note: This is, of course, a spoof article in reply to my lovely co-worker's hilarious idea to celebrate Kingdom Heart 3's anniversary! Truth be told, it was very fun to see the bunch of interesting Heartless designs across all the games, and it's definitely a huge highlight for me as a fan of the franchise. Thanks for reading!