If It Was Real: Portal Gun

We have all fantasised about what we would do if we owned a real life, fully functioning Portal gun. Now, with the release of the new batch of replicas, what better time to manufacture a working one! Here are my top 5, safe for work, uses for a real life Portal gun.

1. Teleportation
First and foremost, I would put a portal in my cupboard under the stairs and then travel to work. When I got there, I would find a remote location and place the other portal there, saving me 4 hours everyday. The only issue here being that if anybody found this, they would have direct access to my home/work and would pose a huge security risk to my work but hey.. 4 hours! Another issue would be that I would have to leave the portals stationary rendering the portal gun useless!

2. Free Holiday
Go down the post-office, buy a regular sized box filled with packing peanuts and take it home. Then place a portal on my wall and cover it with a bookshelf. Next, remove the packing peanuts and put a portal at the base of the box. Fill the box up again with packing peanuts (the wardrobe would stop them falling out!) and mail it to anywhere in the world. Free international travel FTW! Does anybody know how heavy a portal is? Main downside is that if you don’t time this correctly, you’ll end up bursting out in a post-office and freaking the old dear behind the counter out.

3. Be A Douchebag
Push Rasher (our “fearless” leader) into an endless loop. This has no specific purpose, but would give me some entertainment.

4. Free Movies
I’m pretty sure there’s no legality issue with a portal in a cinema. Place a portal in the back of the cinema, the other in my living room. It would have to be high enough up though so I don’t get kids trying to get into my house. I’m sure that people would throw popcorn at my portal but to be honest, who doesn’t like free popcorn?

5. No Parachute
This one is for the professionals. Don’t even think about imagining about doing this. Jump out of a plane with no parachute and the portal gun strapped (with duct tape or something nearly as secure) to your arm and moments before you hit the ground spawn two portals and slowly lower your momentum till you can hop out onto the floor, unscathed.

These are just my top 5 SFW uses. What would you use a real-life portal gun for?