Five Mean Girls That Can’t Sit With Us
Mean Girls is such an iconic movie, so much so that the 3rd of October is officially Mean Girls Day. But, as there was never a movie tie-in game about Cady and her struggles with The Plastics (we do not speak about the terrible mobile title), there wasn’t much in the way of celebrating this holiest of days with an article. Until, I realised, I could just brute force my way into getting this article green-lit. So, with that said, let’s open up the Burn Book and take a look at some of the meanest, nastiest girls to ever grace the world of videogames. Readers beware! There will be spoilers ahead, so just in case you haven’t played any of the games below, well, don’t say you weren’t warned!
Frau Engel — Wolfenstein II: The New Colossus
Starting with one that perhaps supersedes the word “mean”, Wolfenstein II's Irene Engel is one of the most vicious, cruellest, and downright insane antagonists I’ve ever faced off with. As if the close personal tiles with Hitler weren’t enough to put her firmly in the category of “mean”, Engel actually succeeds in killing protagonist B.J. Blazkowicz (although he is later revived, thank goodness).
There aren’t enough curse words in my lexicon to describe this nasty piece of work. True evil in human form, Engel has a long list of horrible deeds to cement her place in any “scumbag villain” list. From mocking her own daughter because of her weight to countless murders and atrocities, I wouldn’t let her sit with us. Although, I don’t think she’d take too kindly to that…
Gruntilda — Banjo-Kazooie
Perhaps the least truly evil person on this list, Banjo-Kazooie's Gruntilda Winkybunion is nevertheless still someone I wouldn’t want to be associated with! In her vain obsession with appearances and plans to kidnap our hero Banjo’s sister in order to steal her beauty, Grunty is as arrogant and egotistical as they come.
She refuses to stay down, as she returns time and time again to attempt to defeat Banjo and Kazooie once and for all. And let’s not forget all those poor Jinjos she abducts! Perhaps her most irritating trait is her constant need to rhyme. This alone would be enough to send me mad, so seeing her defeated makes me glad! (Sorry, I just couldn’t help myself).
Brooke Augustine — InFamous: Second Son
Much like Frau Engel, inFamous: Second Son’s main baddie Augustine has it out for one particular group of people. These people, known as Conduits, are a new type of human that have extraordinary powers. Whilst this may bring in the dawn of a new age of man, Augustine instead labels them as “Bioterrorists” whilst inciting the general public to take up arms against them.
The real kicker, though? She’s a Conduit herself! By staging various attacks and founding an anti-Conduit organisation known as the DUP, Augustine is constantly playing off captured Conduits against the DUP in order to make her crusade look like a just cause. She even goes so far as to kill main protagonist Delsin’s brother, Reggie. Not cool, Augustine, not cool at all. This all culminates in blockading the city of Seattle and manipulating the media to make Conduits look like monsters. Take a look in the mirror, Brooke, the real monster is staring right at you!
Jacqueline Natla — Tomb Raider
Owner and CEO of Natla Technologies (words that should be enough to establish her evil), Jacqueline Natla is much more than she appears. I say this because she’s actually one of the legendary rulers of the lost city of Atlantis! After manufacturing a device known as the Scion to create a new species of Atlanteans, this power-hungry maniac was sentenced to eternal imprisonment for the rest of time.
Until, that is, thousands of years later, during World War II, where she was accidentally released during a nuclear bomb test. Fast-forward all the way to 1996, the year Tomb Raider takes place, where Natla is now a powerful business mogul and is intent on finding the Scion to enact her fiendish plot. After an encounter with everybody’s favourite raider of tombs, Lara Croft, Natla shows her true, horrifying self as the two face off in a final showdown. Thankfully, the pyramid was destroyed, taking Natla and her monstrous brood with it.
Queen Brahne — Final Fantasy IX
Final Fantasy IX's Queen Brahne, or to put some respect on her name (not that I want to), Queen Brahne Raza Alexandros XVI — or “ugly elephant lady” according to Kuja — is the once kind and benevolent ruler of Alexandria. After the tragic loss of her husband, Queen Brahne became bitter and twisted, leading to an insatiable greed and desire to rule the world.
Perhaps her most dastardly deed, however, was ordering the creation of the doll-like Black Mages to serve her kingdom's every whim. Heartbreaking story beats surrounding the Black Mages and Vivi aside, Queen Brahne appears to care little for her own daughter, Garnet, even ordering her execution after sapping her of her summoning powers. So, a thoroughly unlikeable villain, although she does see the error of her ways in the later stages of the game. Too little, too late, Queenie!
Well, there we have it. Five of the meanest, nastiest, downright evil girls that make Regina George look like a pushover. These five definitely do not have a place at this table. Maybe they should all just relax, wear pink on Wednesdays, and stop trying to make fetch happen. It’s NOT going to happen!
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