Five Bald Characters Agent 47 Could Beat (and Five He Couldn't)

In the wake of Hitman 3’s release, Agent 47 has reclaimed his top spot in the rankings of follically challenged protagonists. While he is known for his perfectly smooth head, Agent 47 is far more than just an excellent candidate for a Lex Luthor cosplay. In fact, we just learned that he’s also a well-trained assassin.

At this point, baldness and a profound ability for violence are inextricably linked in videogames. Is our favourite sleek spy the ultimate manifestation of this trope? Maybe, but there are certainly other contenders to consider. Here are ten other bald characters that are vying for that title; five Agent 47 could beat, and five he wouldn’t stand a chance against.

Could: Bald Bull (Punch Out!!)

This one should be fairly simple for ol’ 47. Bald Bull is predictability incarnate. He’s got a flourish move with his gloves and a cumbersome uppercut. Unless they are stuck in a boxing ring with 8 oz gloves, Agent 47 simply has too many tools at his disposal. He’s too smart and too conniving for a one dimensional boxer to be a problem for him. Plus, if he loses to Bald Bull that implies that he would lose to Little Mac as well, and we can’t have that.

Couldn't: Kirby (Kirby’s Dream Land)

These two would probably fight over Kirby’s laughably bad disguises. While Agent 47 might have the upperhand in the costume department, he’s outmatched in just about every other aspect here. It’s still a tough call though. A bullet could either pop Kirby like a party balloon, or do absolutely nothing à la Star Fox’s blaster. If his arsenal of weapons proves to be ineffective, then Agent 47 is getting a one-way ticket to Kirby’s stomach.

Could: Heavy (Team Fortress 2)

Heavy seems like the type of target that Agent 47 would believably be assigned. He’s big, loud, and exceedingly dangerous. In a straight-up battle, the minigun madman probably has the advantage, but head-to-head is not Agent 47’s style. The same abilities that make Heavy dangerous in Team Fortress are the same abilities that make him easy pickings for our iconic hitman.

Couldn’t: Sagat (Street Fighter)

Size matters. This Muay Thai extraordinaire is seven feet tall. Seven. Feet. He also took a Shoryuken straight across his chest, so he’s durable enough to withstand at least a couple of bullets. If you don’t subscribe to that line of logic, just count yourself lucky we didn’t put Agent 47 against Dhalsim—that dude breathes fire.

Could: Psycho Mantis (Metal Gear Solid)

 

Sure, Psycho Mantis may have bamboozled us all once or twice when we first encountered him, but Agent 47 is a faster learner than most. Plus, as a clone, he was bred to be an emotionless killer. He’s not the type to be susceptible to simple mind control. Beyond his tricks, Psycho Mantis has nothing to offer in this battle. Consider this contract closed.

Couldn’t: Charles Xavier (X-Men Legends)

Remember three sentences ago when I said Agent 47 doesn’t seem susceptible to ‘simple mind control’? Well, this is different. This is a whole new level of mind-bending ability. Charles Xavier is so powerful that he could convert the assassin into an assistant and have him scrub the entire X-Mansion with a toothbrush.

Could: Rude (Final Fantasy 7)

Rude looks like a forgotten entry in the pedigree of Agent 47. Seriously, they’re nearly identical down to the snazzy suit and tie. I guess the main difference is that Rude wears sunglasses. Oh, and that Agent 47 is actually good at his job. Their respective track records tell the tale of how this encounter would play out.

Couldn’t: Nemesis (Resident Evil 3: Nemesis)

This feels unnecessary to explain. Nemesis is a veritable tank. In this epic showdown of genetically engineered killing machines, I’m going with the one that is quadruple the size of the other. Nemesis feels sort of like you combined Heavy and Sagat and then zombified them. Agent 47 might have to just sneak silently by and live to fight another day.

Could: Eggman (Sonic the Hedgehog)

Call him Eggman or Dr. Robotnik, but either way call him an ambulance. This man routinely struggles to beat a suped-up hedgehog. He’s going to have his hands full with a superhuman killing machine. Agent 47 for an easy win, with enough time left over to collect all the gold rings.

Couldn’t: Kratos (God of War)

The only thing more dangerous than a bald man is a bald man with a beard. Kratos, like Agent 47, is bred to kill. Unlike Agent 47, Kratos has a list of gods and supernatural creatures on his resume. These two aren’t even remotely in the same realm. In this struggle of the old world against the modern, we’re going to stick with the former.