Eight D**k Moves in Goldeneye: 007

I’ve got some fond memories of GoldenEye: 007 on the N64. Me and my buddies used to get together regularly for a 4-player, splitscreen bout (or 10) at least a few times a week. As much as times were fun, things often got a little heated when one of the players would resort to one of the various cheap tactics that would give them an unfair advantage, or just plain get in the way of everyone’s good time. These are my 8 biggest dick moves in GoldenEye: 007 multiplayer, and if you ever played the multiplayer I can almost guarantee you encountered most, if not all of these.

 

8. Proximity mine spamming.

When used correctly, proximity mines are a great tool to set traps, cover a retreat or block off key areas to give a player a tactical edge. However, a far more common use of this weapon in your average match of GoldenEye involves stocking up to full carrying capacity, then tossing them literally everywhere. Most of the time it’s the player throwing the mines who ends up setting them off, as he runs around the level like a headless chicken. The domino effect starts, as the explosions rippling through the area set off adjacent mines, killing literally everyone. It would be funny, but on respawn the little prick picks up a box of mines and does it again. And again. And again...

7. Damaging the body armour.

Body armour in GoldenEye works pretty much the same as in any other FPS. You have your health bar, and once it’s gone you die. Pick up the body armour and you effectively get a second bar, doubling the amount of damage you can take before respawn time and effectively rendering you twice as powerful as any other players on the map - unless of course they too have body armour. That’s where this annoying little trick comes in. Pick up the body armour and a few minutes later it will respawn. Destroy it, and it will respawn. Damage it slightly, and not only will it not respawn but it will also be useless and cannot be picked up by anyone. Way to nerf the competition, douchebag.

6. ‘Tanking’

Maybe it’s just an expression we used, but ‘tanking’ refers to moving around the map and fighting whilst in the crouched position. This makes it extremely difficult for your enemies to hit you, as the default aiming position is now several feet above your head. Remember as well, this is the days before dual-analog control inputs, so adjusting vertical aim on the fly was a pain in the ass. However, the advantage gained by tanking is not what made it a dick move. You see, when Rare designed GoldenEye, for some reason they didn’t bother putting in any animations for crouched characters. So, when your bud is tanking circles around you, all you’ll see is a fella on their knees sliding across the floor without moving their limbs. It’s hilarious. It also totally destroys the immersion, takes all the seriousness out of the match and generally renders the whole thing ridiculous.

5. Playing as Oddjob

You have dozens and dozens of characters to choose from in GoldenEye: 007, and only one of them is a clear two-foot shorter than the rest of the character models. As mentioned under ‘tanking’, above, aiming down on the fly in GoldenEye is a pain in the ass, so picking Oddjob gives you a massive advantage over the other players. Frankly, the inclusion of such a character can only be explained as a practical joke by Rare, intended only to cause arguments amongst players. Oddjob was banned in all games, but there was always some sneaky fucker managed to select him when noone was looking and get a couple of cheap kills before we’d call “void game” and take a break to beat him with sticks and stones. Cos they break bones, and breaking bones is the only way to deal with the Oddjob bitches.

4. Playing as Oddjob and tanking

@~%*£^”^$£*%£% I$£&*£&$£@$@£$£&%* MU$^£”$£*$@@£$£ $$YC£$£$(£*  @:@:£$£:$£$(*!!!!!!

3. Screen watching

The bane of split-screen competitive multiplayer. You always promise at the beginning of the game that you won’t look at the other player’s respective areas of the screen. Yet somehow, there is always little Johnny psychic who knows you are hiding behind that box, shoots you through closed doors and bounces grenades into your carefully planned ambush points. Oh, he’ll deny he’s looking at your screen, claiming either skill or luck, but you know he’s talking crap. You know because there is NO WAY he could have known you were there. You know this because YOU were looking at HIS screen, and so can confirm that you were totally invisible to him! Even worse than the secret screen watcher is the total douchebag who refuses to play by house rules, declares that screen watching is part of the tactics of the game and flat out states that he WILL be watching your screen, whether you say it’s out of bounds or not.

2. Trapping someone in the Facility bathroom

The Facility is an excellent level. In the single player game, Bond starts the level sneaking through the air vents above the bathroom, dropping into the cubicle below and surprising the guards availing themselves of the functional items therein. In the multiplayer version of the level, this air vent becomes a spawn point. If you are unlucky enough to find yourself starting here, then chances are slim that you’ll be getting out alive. You begin unarmed and there is only one exit hatch, which is fully visible from the bathroom, takes valuable seconds to reach, and, even if you were to successfully drop out, drops you directly into a cubicle, trapped behind a closed door (which can be shot through). The Facility is a very small level and naturally, as soon as the other players spot you spawning there (see screen watching, above), those bastards will immediately make a beeline for the bathroom and lovingly line their sights on that exit hatch, patiently waiting for you to commit suicide by running your unarmed ass into their bullets. It’s that, or sit there for the rest of the game.

1. Spawn rape

Only one of my friends could do this. This is a special mention for you Kris ‘Cheating B**tard’ Lord. You slime. You ass. You are the scum of the earth.

To elaborate, like most multiplayer FPS games, in GoldenEye you appear, you fight, you die, you respawn. Now, I’m sure there are many experienced GoldenEye players that aren’t even aware of this, but respawn points in GoldenEye are NOT random; they cycle in a set pattern. Kris, smart ass that he was, experimented on his own and learned the patterns of several popular GoldenEye levels. Utilising his patented screen watching technique, he would monitor where players were spawning after each life. Whenever he saw a player die (whether he killed them or not) he would therefore know EXACTLY where  they were going to respawn and make a beeline for that point. By the time you were ready to click the start button he’d be there, gun at the ready already aiming at where your head was about to appear, and pop you before you could even move. Worst of all, unless you were lucky and someone bagged him immediately afterwards, you knew he was going to be there for your next respawn. That, my friends, is the ultimate dick move in GoldenEye: 007, and the primary reason we had to stop playing the game... Thanks Kris!