Being Rome's Barbarian Bros in Total War: Attila - Part 2

In this series I attempt what I’m calling “historical roleplay” in Total War: Attila. I’m trying to act like the real Ostrogothic tribe did in the mid-5th century by protecting the Roman Empire from its invaders. So far I’ve managed to do quite well but it hasn’t stopped the Emperor of the Eastern Roman Empire (ERE) despising me. Perhaps there are better options out there for me?

So, things are looking rather messy between me and Emperor Arcadius of the Eastern Roman Empire. Despite protecting his awfully-guarded lands with the blood of my own Ostrogothic warriors and securing the future of one of his towns by - ahem - settling a bunch of barbarians in and around it, he’s not best pleased with me. Our relationship is deteriorating fast but at least the Alan settlement that I’m using as a defensive home base will enable me to move about without trespassing on Arcadius’ lands too much.

Staring across the Danube at the vast swathes of land that the Huns are yet to ravage, I begin to wonder if I’m going to stick around the Balkans. Rather notoriously amongst the Total War community, the Persia-based Sassanids - the ERE’s main rival in the east - are known for spamming huge armies westwards, quickly gobbling up Roman provinces. Perhaps they might need my help over there later?

For now my attention remains firmly on the European side of the Empire… Right up until the point that the ERE march in and slaughter the Alans in Trimontium, the town that had been my client province. Now not only have I lost a source of income, but I’m trespassing again which means the ERE starts to hate me more. Cheers Arcadius, you dick.

The next few turns are spent camped on the wrong side of the Danube trying (and failing) to get military access or a non-aggression agreement with the Empire. Interestingly, though, since ridding the Balkans of my brethren the Visigoths and the Alans (who are usually early-game pests to the ERE) the Empire appears to be flourishing and raking in the gold coins. I’m the hero that Constantinople deserves etc. etc.

As winter subsides, a horde from the Iazyges tribe comes down from the Carpathian mountains and into the Gepid territory I’m currently using as a bedsit. The Iazyges are a Sarmartian people who can cause no end of issues so I shadow them as they mill around the Danube for two seasons. Oddly enough Vithericus, my faction leader, is then approached by a Roman diplomat not from Arcadius but from the Western Roman Empire (WRE). Up until that point we had been at war (it's the default state at the start of the campaign) but my actions have endeared me so much to Emperor Honorius that he is willing to make peace.

Like a spouse in a dead relationship my eyes begin to wander. Rome has far more enemies than Constantinople. That means more protection money for me. I decide to think on it, watching as Arcadius grows ever more distant and loveless towards me, showing no appreciation for my protection of his Balkan provinces.

Then, as has been my luck so far in this series, Honorius promptly dies in battle. Replacing him is Flavius Stilicho, erstwhile first man in Rome and general of the armies. The whole thing has a whiff of conspiracy about it but my fears are assuaged when Stilicho appears before me and offers me a non-aggression pact. Suddenly I’m on friendly terms with (an admittedly dying) Roman Empire in the west.

Such friendship deserves rewards! I immediately pack up my tents, hop on my horse and give Emperor Arcadius the finger. Let’s see how he does without old Vithericus to protect him! Besides, it’s been almost two in-game years since my warriors had someone to fight. I promptly ask the WRE for a bucket of gold to declare war on all of its enemies and set about hunting said foes down. Surprise surprise it's the Iazyges who are in my sights first.

The tribespeople escape over a river to avoid being trapped by my two armies as the Ostrogoths surge into modern-day Serbia to aid the ailing WRE. No sooner have they crossed the river than the newly-crowned Emperor Stilicho emerges from the gates of the city of Sirmium to take them in the flank. A messenger wades across the water to ask if Vithericus wants to join the battle. With the WRE showing me nothing but kindness I decide immediately to rush to its aid.

With my forces added to the Romans the Iazyges horde of 1,900 is facing an allied army 5,500 strong. The horselords wait on a hill, the faces of their men painted with doomed resignation. The slaughter is total: as the Roman heavy infantry slam into their front ranks my cavalry engage and rout the Iazyges horseman on the flanks, wheeling around to charge into the fray and trap the nomads in a full double-envelopment - a manoeuvre that still makes military theorists hot under the collar.

At the end of the battle a rain-swept Serbian plain is strewn with dead men. For a total loss of 400 the allied Roman-Ostrogothic army killed 1,783, effectively wiping out the entire tribe in one swoop. Victorious, I check the relationship panel to see that the WRE are “very friendly” to Vithericus and my tribe. Emotional, I begin to wonder if we have found our true home, thoughts of the ERE very far from my mind.

With the Iazyges destroyed, it’s up to my armies to sweep the Roman frontier and push all invaders from the Empire. A force of Huns appear from the fog of war and engage one of my armies as I end my turn. The odds are slightly in my favour but I decide to withdraw anyway and move further into the Roman interior. This has its own problems, though, as every turn I spend in WRE provinces the less and less they like me due to trespassing. By the time I make it out to the Marcomanni lands in modern-day Germany my relationship has deteriorated significantly with Emperor Stilicho.

The Huns, meanwhile, decide they can’t be bothered to chase me and sue for peace. Their hordes then immediately head into the Balkans and raze poor Trimontium to the ground. Will the people of that province ever get a rest? Over in German territory I siege and make the Marcomanni my clients in a very quick battle. I need them as my servants for income and as a place to rest. Unfortunately, though, my treaty with them has further angered the WRE, who seem to have forgotten all the friendship they had for me only a few turns ago. My hordes are now stranded on the outskirts of the Empire desperately trying to attack WRE enemies to get back in their good books.

My movements piss off the Burgundians, who declare war on me as I march through their territory to find and defeat the Saxons. There aren’t that many Roman enemies left on the continent now, but there is a whole island full of them across the channel. Am I really going to cross into Britain to deal with Rome’s enemies? It seems so.

As my men begin trying to find Boat Building for Dummies and So You Want to Invade Britain? manuals and dip their toes reluctantly into the cold seas, another hurried messenger arrives in the camp. Emperor Arcadius, who had so cruelly spurned my help and sent me on this strange path into the depths of the European interior, has evidently been a dick to Stilicho, too. The Western Roman Emperor has declared war on his counterpart in the East. Things are about to get very interesting...