A Stirring Speech for the Videogame Battlefield

We sure didn't start this war, but by hell we're going to finish it men. You may be spineless, you may be weak, but if you don't have the biggest ordnance this side of the H-Bomb ready to whip out at a moment's notice! Cpt. Marshall, Lt. Will, Cpr. Holly and Pvt. Bob, you will be the strike team that goes in and takes out their elite troops in epic four-on-four battles.

You will carry a small arsenal to make insertion easier. Parachuting into the field of battle, be prepared that you may be separated from each other across the battlefield. You will have automatics, mines, dynamite, shotguns, and most importantly bazookas. We can also send in an airstrike in a pinch, but you make damn sure it counts!

Due to the nature of this operation, you will also be taking along some equipment we think you'll need, including grappling hooks and blow torches. You will also be airdropped some special stuff cooked up by R&D. I can't go into too much detail, but they explode - you can be damned sure of that. That’s what we pay them for!

Soldiers, I wish I were going in there with you. I'll give you what advice I can whilst you're blowing up the terrain and popping the enemy into graves of their own making, but carefully consider how to use the terrain to your benefit. If you blow up the enemy, it’s a victory. If you blow up the ground they are stood on, sending them into a watery grave a hundred feet below - it’s an awesome victory.

Of course, you must remember to always follow the rules of engagement, thought up by higher powers than you or I. Going in rank order, you must take turns to fire upon the enemy. Then you have five seconds to find cover. If you injure yourself, you will lose the opportunity to act. I don’t like these rules, but they are the rules and you will follow them god damn it.

These battles will occur in a variety of environments across varied terrain. From golf courses to castles, desktops to even Hell itself. But you will fight, and you will win, even if you have to Dragon Punch every single one of those teleporting dirtbags to death.

Whether you use old ladies, super sheep or the Holy Hand Grenade itself, your foes will fall before you. You have the training, you have the knowhow, you certainly have the equipment! A handful of enemy combatants can’t stop you from attaining victory at any price, even if you lose each of your comrades to a simple handgun or a cluster bomb.

Sure you may skip a turn or backflip for a minute straight, but you know in your hearts you will not try and run from this responsibility. Because you are Worms; and Worms win.

- by General A.I. Mrow