5 Things You Just Wouldn't Do.....

There are some things in video games that strike me as unbelievable. I'm not talking about things like regenerating health, or mushrooms that make you grow taller. These things may be unrealistic, but are part of the game's mechanics so I can overlook them – or 'suspend my disbelief' as fans of bad movies often say.

No, I'm not talking about odd game mechanics, I'm talking about odd behaviour. Whether on the part of the player, an NPC or someone behind the scenes there is an awful lot of irrational behaviour that goes on in video games that absolutely would not go down that way if the setting was a little more realistic. So, introductory ramblings aside, here are five things 'people' do in video games that demonstrate totally and utterly baffling behaviour.

1 – Talk to strangers

So maybe in the real world we break this rule a little to ask for directions and such, but these conversations are not nearly as surreal as those encountered in many games. What we certainly wouldn't do is go to a new town and talk to everyone in sight, asking who they are, what they do around here and if they have any quests they need doing. If the people in these games behaved a little more realistically, it would probably go something like this: -

'Hero' – "I am Ragnar Wolf-Spear, slayer of beasts."

Villager – "Whatever mate."

'Hero' – "What is your profession sir?"

Villager – "None of your business, weirdo."

'Hero' – "OK..... Do you have any quests for a hero of my status?"

Villager – "Quests? Are you serious? Why would I have any quests for you? I mean seriously, I just live here in this one-horse town. Go ask the bloody King or someone. Leave me alone."

'Hero' – "Erm.... Thank you kind sir, I shall take my leave now. Good day."

Villager – "Bloody Heroes."

2 – Steal from people's houses

Ok, so there might be some disreputable sorts out there who do steal from other people's houses, hence the need for such things as locks and alarms. However, even these criminal sorts would have some neck on them if they were to enter a person's house while they are at home and steal everything that isn't nailed down while the owner watches. Even more unlikely is that the owner would not only fail to react to such a gross criminal invasion, but that they would happily chat away to the thief once he has done. In a more realistic setting, I imagine it would play out something like this: -

Owner – "Hey, what the hell are you doing in my house?"

'Hero' – "Just looking for some cash, or maybe a sword."

Owner – "Hey, stop touching my things! Get out of there! Put that back!"

'Hero' – "Relax fella, I'm the hero of this piece. I've got a dragon to fight you know."

Owner – "I don't care about your sodding dragon, this is my stuff! I'm calling the police."

'Hero' – "Don't suppose you've got any quests need doing?"

3 – Make bad design choices

This is an example of someone behind the scenes. You don't tend to meet this individual during the course of the game, but someone must have designed that 400-feet tall robot killing machine that you just blew up. I mean, that thing was huge. Truth be told, it probably would have been the end of you if it wasn't for that one, huge, glaring design flaw. Come to think of it, all the giant robot killing machines you've come up against so far suffered from exactly the same ridiculously obvious design flaw. Guess they must have been designed by the same guy. I wonder how he explained that one to his boss: -

Villain – "Well, I have to give you credit. That is an impressive 400-foot tall robot killing machine. Can't see anyone getting past that."

Engineer – "Thanks very much sir."

Villain – "What are those nice spinning blade things? They look cool. And that big gun is sweet."

Engineer – "I call those the flayers sir, they are designed to mince the enemy into a fine paste. The eviscerator cannon fires high impact armour piercing shells at 400 rounds per minute."

Villain – "Sweet. And what are those cool glowing bits?"

Engineer –"They would be the weak spots sir."

Villain – " Ah, I see...... Hang on a minute, the what-spots?"

Engineer – "The weak spots sir. See, the Killamatron 4000 is more-or-less indestructible; the armour is so thick that it cannot be penetrated by any conventional weaponry. However, in order to ensure efficient movement capability, the areas around the joints are more lightly armoured than the rest and so are vulnerable to sustained weapons fire."

Villain – "OK, I get why the robot has weak spots. That's not the problem. What I want to know is, why did you make them glow?"

Engineer – "Well.... How else would we know where the weak spots are?"

4 – Arm the enemy

Thinking back, even with the design flaw that 400-foot tall robot killing machine was a toughie. I mean, even those glowing weak spots had some pretty tough armour on them. You never would have managed to take it down without the latest in high tech heavy weaponry. Even then, you were still pretty badly hurt in the fight: -

Villain – "OK, we've deployed the Killamatron 4000 to defend the reactor room. I'm still not happy with you, but I suppose even with those ridiculous glowing weak spots of yours it would take something like a rocket launcher to crack that armour."

Engineer – "Um."

Villain – "What do you mean by 'um' exactly?"

Engineer – "I may have left a few rocket launchers lying around the reactor room. It seemed like a good place to keep them for the time being, what with the armoury being full."

Villain – "Are you serious? Did you not see the flaw in that plan? It's ok, stay calm, stay calm. I suppose it's not the end of the world. Even if someone did manage to take it down, I'm sure they would be pretty seriously hurt."

Engineer – "Um. I may have also left a few medical kits and painkillers lying around the reactor room too...."

Villain – "Oh for God's sake Barry! You do this every time! That's it, I'm going to have to let you go. Clear your desk."

5 – Be an obsessive collector

Some of us like to collect things. I've got a nice collection of classic science fiction books. Some people collect stamps. However, when the proverbial poop hits the proverbial fan and you are fighting off the hordes of zombies, aliens, robots, ghosts, terrorists, pirates, mutant-bananas or whatever else is trying to kill, eat, enslave or otherwise inconvenience you, isn't it time to consider giving up that hobby?

Many video games try and snare us in with collectables, with the lure of trophies/achievements and 100% completion ratings as the reward. However, in a more realistic setting if you were to let your hobby become your obsession one day you may find yourself in a situation not too dissimilar to this: -

Sarah – "Quick Jack, this way. We can hide from the mutant-bananas in here!"

Jack – "Wait Sarah, do you see what I see?"

Sarah – "Oh no. Jack, leave it. They are nearly here."

Jack – "I can't leave it Sarah! I've got 9 green bottles already! One more, and I could stand them on the wall! I'm going for it, wait here for me."

Sarah – "Jack, no!" *BLAM* *BLAM* "I can't hold them off on my own!" *BLAM*

Jack – "I've almost got it Sarah, I'll be there soon"

Sarah – "Aaaaaaagggggghhhhhh. Jack, help! They are eating my face!!!"

Jack – "Precious bottle........"

So there we have it, these are the some of the 'unrealistic' things in video games that I find it hard to look past. I've tried to pick examples that happen in a lot of games, not just one, and I've tried to keep it short so you can think of some examples too.

What strikes you as odd and surreal in video games? It could be the way people behave, an unbelievable circumstance or even a whole genre. Whether it's gaming in general, or a specific game, I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject. Answers on a postcard....